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04 August 2010
Yes, I’m a coach, and yes, most of the time when I’m working as a coach I manage to ‘step outside’ the conversation and maintain a distance. By ‘distance’ I mean that I am not only tracking the content of the conversation but the context. It matters not only how people say what they say, as in body language, tone and pace, there are some big keys to listen for. If it's important to you to influence or lead, to negotiate or manage, these quick listening tips can make an immediate difference in your abiltiy to succeed.
These three words, Feel, Think, Know, are the keys to much of what is going on and they each have unique responsibility and opportunity for you as a powerful listener.
Feel
When someone says ‘I feel . . . ‘, there’s really no arguing with them. Feelings are an expression of what’s going on ‘inside’ and is real for the person speaking whether or not we agree with it. The appropriate response to a ‘feel’ statement is to let the other person know you heard them.
Let’s get that last statement clear; letting someone know you ‘heard’ them doesn’t mean you have to agree with them either. It’s ‘I hear you’, not ‘I agree/disagree’.
It is almost always a waste of time to argue feelings or try to interrupt their ‘flow’. Let the feelings play out because there is no getting through the wall; no more sense trying to deny a feeling statement than to argue with a drunk. Don’t do it.
Think
Think we can deal with. If you can hear what someone says, repeat back to them what you thought they said and then assure them that what they said was received, you’ve done a great job in creating dynamic communication. Thinking is more of a neutral statement but it is invested with our natural desire to be right. Come on, don’t you always want to be ‘right’.
If you can engage ‘think’ with rational, respectful listening, then you have a chance of being heard and possibly bringing the other person around to what you think (which is of course right) but you may also be able to change YOUR thinking (gasp!)
Know
I’ve said it a few times in this material; ‘don’t be a ‘no’ it all’ and it makes sense here. When you say or hear ‘I know’ it’s more of a fear statement than any other category. It says ‘I don’t want to be vulnerable’, I don’t want it to be possible that this, whatever it is, is true. It is like standing with your arms and legs crossed, your face screwed up into a tight ball, and your eyes looking defiantly to anyone addressing you.
Saying ‘I know’ can also signify a stance you’re willing to take, that’s another options, and can be a position of courage but it’s more accurate in that chase to say ‘I Believe’.
If you’re saying ‘I know’ then you’re indulging your ego and fear and the best gift that this type of a conversation about language can offer you is the chance to create awareness. Awareness takes you out of the slavery and victimhood of being caught up in and swept away by the moment, like letting life go by too fast to notice or enjoy it.
Take time to listen to your own words, notice your feelings and your body tension as you talk, argue and give opinions and you’ll become your own best coach. And you’ll move closer to life ‘Mastery’ and that’s the place we all need to move towards; I think . . .
By the way, one of the best sources for a continuing conversation and training on communication is in the Love and Relationship Course right here on DIYLC and it is a great complement to the awareness you're engaging in this communication conversation . . .